Everything was hectic. The horrifying sound of blood-curling screams filled the air. The sound of explosions penetrated my eardrums. It was horrible. There was trash littered all over the once clean grass. Arguing and complaining was everywhere I went. I couldn’t escape the nose-burning stench of nasty food covered with flies. This place had no rules. Tens of tiny tyrants thirsty for power were practically at each other’s throats. Then finally the yelling stopped. The only thing that brought them together was laid out on the table. Their fiery eyes simmered down to an adorable little shine. They made their peace, for now, before devouring this concoction. Everyone began chanting a tune as they decorated it with fiery flames. It got louder and louder then they sliced the victim into several pieces and served it to all. This place was evil, horrible, and atrocious. This was a four year old’s birthday party.
The Gathering
5 thoughts on “The Gathering”
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I liked how descriptive this was
I noticed how surprising the ending was
I wondered why the bday party was so horrible
I would suggest foreshadowing a little
Strong words or phrases “The sound of explosions penetrated my eardrums.”
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I liked how this seemed like a horror story till the very end.
I noticed you said there were explosions at the party
I wondered if you thought four-year-old birthday parties are really horrible and evil. And I also wondered how there were explosions at a four-year-old birthday party.
I would suggest foreshadowing like Izzy said and also using a thesaurus for some of your weaker words.
Strong words/phrases “This place was evil, horrible, and atrocious. This was a four year old’s birthday party.”
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Your language here is the strongest I’ve seen yet. Awesome flash! Each word is heavy, full of meaning. You control the flow of information and keep the reader wondering exactly what’s going on here, even as we see each piece of the puzzle. You even employ alliteration in this great line: “Tens of tiny tyrants thirsty for power…”
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I liked how you had a surprise ending.
I noticed that the four-year-olds birthday party was probably not organized well.
I wondered why it was so hectic.
I would suggest saying why you were there.
Strong words or phrases “This place was evil, horrible, and atrocious.”
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I liked the ending how you were so confused the whole time.
I noticed that now that I can read it again I can tell it was a birthday party
I wondered if your birthday parties are like that
I would suggest describing the birthday cake maybe I really don’t know what to suggest.
strong phrase/word “blood-curdling”
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